Or I'll Huff and I'll Puff!

As I sit here inside my condo I notice that something in this room is not quite right. I have spent the past 15 minutes studying the contents of the room and thanks to Mom's OCD being somewhat genetic, everything is in it's place. There is a pile of shredded cheese on the counter for JBOD, which isn't really normal, but it is "in it's place." So... no, that is not it. OMG! is my window open? And if so.... WHY? I mean, it's getting warmer but it is still 55 degrees and snow is in the forecast - that is not "open your window" kind of weather. Are all of my windows open? Three big windows, on the top floor of my building, who would have opened them?

Hold on....
I need to check closets and under beds but first find the pepper spray Jer gave me when I moved out - Shit, I threw it away at an airport. Just so you know, you can't take that crap on planes. I have Pam, you know the non stick stuff - it's olive oil flavored, nobody wants to get sprayed with that (although the health benefits from olive oil are amazing - can prevent breast cancer you know...) I have decided to walk with heavy feet because my "buck ten" doesn't make a lot of noise and whoever is here needs to know that I am big and going to kick ass! I have Pam in one hand and Joey in the other. Worse case scenario, spray the Pam in the eyes, throw the cat at the face - whoever came in here through the window or through the door to open the window will be fucked up!

Nothing - nobody is under my bed, or hiding in any of my closets, the pantry, under the couch or under the many fur furs (blankies - duh!) laying around. There was not a single person hiding in the shower.

It can only be one thing.... A paranormal experience. I have ghosts. I knew it! I hear them walking around at nights, I am a pretty light sleeper... They seem to be friendly and I don't mean in a Casper kind of way. But I am now a little pissed because, what? Did they have some kind of ghost party and open the windows? Those bitches better not have been smoking in here! I am so tempted to yell out "beetle juice, beetle juice, beetle juice" and send the little party animals back to the afterlife! As I tip toe across the room (don't know why i am being quiet now, I was stomping moments ago to let them know how big and tough I was) to close the windows I realize something.

The mother effen windows are not even open! However; the sheer curtains are moving, blowing in the wind if you will. I'm not going for the logical explanation that my sister would give me "it's really windy outside tonight Janeal and you live in a refurbished warehouse, there has to be drafts." Oh Hell No! There better be a big ass Wolfe outside looking for those three little pigs. I knew I smelled something like swine in the elevator!

Oh, don't try to bring me down....

Sometimes nothing in particular has to happen to make you feel like you are on top of the word. Like today. I'm home working - alone, I was supposed to have lunch with friends which fell through for multiple reasons, It's snowing (if you know anything about me you know that this is enough to make me pull out the Valium) and Joey barfed - on the rug, not on the hard wood floor which makes up 95% of the floor space (WTF?) So in all actuality, I should be feeling a little down, but I'm not. The plan to simplify my life must be working because today I am happy with an email from "that special person", sugar babies, listening to 80's music on my iPod and dancing by myself. Ahhhh........

They come and they go.....

I sometimes wonder why certain people come into my life at the exact time that I need them... Is this what they call fate? Or divine intervention? Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I actually wish that there would be more of this so called "divine intervention" in my life. Whatever it is, I wish that there was a way that was just as easy to remove people from my life. Why is it always so hard to leave a relationship (of any kind, romantic, friendship, god forbid a family member)? Sometimes I just want to move on... And I'm not talking about only "bad" relationships, some don't turn sour, they just go stale. I should be able to walk away from these without explanation, right? You would think it would be easy, but it's not. You run into someone on the street that you haven't seen for years and they say "hey, how is ol' so and so doing?" I want to say "who fucking cares?" but instead I make up some lame story about why I am not in touch with this person which usually consists of "we are both just really busy". How humiliating. Not to mention the dreaded "failed romantic relationship." This is when you just want to pack up and try out a foreign country.