Broken

I hear that familiar bell on my phone and like Pavlov's dog I salivate. I feel broken and can't understand your interest. I'm like my 10th year birthday doll after she fell to the floor. Although I glued her back together and her crack was hardly noticeable I knew that she was broken and placed her on the back row of the shelf - she never got the attention she deserved and at no fault of her own. I broke her and neglected her. At 12 years old I never realized that this would somehow be foreshadowing of my later life. I also never realized that I would break so easily. Am I now unlovable?

It seems like just yesterday that he first told me that I wasn't right for him, that he was searching for perfection. it was then that it all came crashing down on me - the realization that I was not perfect was slammed into my face at the same force of an airbag deploying in a car accident. And yes, it left me with what felt like whiplash. Each morning thereafter I would wake up, look in the mirror and find one of those imperfections he spoke of. Two years of this same exercise and I now have a very long laundry list of what I think is wrong with me. I think about taking each item on the list and trying to fix one at a time, but that thought lasts only a minute. Instead I take the list, put it in the bag with my belongings and leave. I keep the list but never look at it again... Never turning back.

The bell on my phone rings again, I see the message and smile. Perfect for you, that's all I need to be.

Time to make the donuts....

Today, for many reasons, I appreciate my job. Not just the fact that I have a job but I appreciate MY actual job. I don't know if I would feel this sense of appreciation if it weren't for the space I sit to do my job. Just a little background... I am what is considered a "remote" employee. This means that I can do my job from anywhere including home. If you have ever worked at home for an extended period of time either you will agree with me or you are a recluse! Working from home sucks! You never get to wear your cute clothes and shoes, you don't meet new people, ever! You end up working from 7:00 am to 7:00 pm because you "are there" and sometimes you don't even shower... for days! It's horrible. So instead of working from home I rent space in a building owned by the company I work for (who shall not be named). This particular building is an operations site - meaning, nobody in this building has a job even remotely close in nature to mine. These people are basically work horses. And what makes it worse is they are contractors. So, not only do they not care about the company that I work for, the company that I work for does not really care about them. This is obvious to me in so many ways! Here are some of the little things that make me grateful for my job... I don't have a boss that talks to me in a group setting every day at the start of my shift like I am a part of a kindergarten class. I have the flexibility to leave my desk when I want for however long I want to be gone. I do not have scheduled lunches and nobody is watching the clock while I am gone. I don't have a boss watching over my shoulder to see if I am on the Internet (obviously or I wouldn't be writing this!). I don't have to choose between two shifts, 5:30 am to 2:30 pm or 2:30 pm to 11:30 pm. I don't have to share my desk, chair or supplies with anyone. And, I am not required to work overtime on Saturday's and Sunday's.

I know, I know... In a market like the one we are in, we should all be grateful to have any job - I am not saying I wouldn't be grateful to have that job if it were my only option. I am just REAL happy that it is not.

So let's talk about these people who work these jobs. I believe they are bred differently from me and most of the people I know. And not only do I work with 300 of them, they change shifts mid day so I get to work with 600 of them! I am not sure of the amount of stress it causes to do their job but I am assuming it is more stress than my current job because they all SMOKE. And yes, this means they all COUGH. That's lovely to listen to all day. Thank god for my iPod. Also, it is as if they don't realize that I have been here longer than any of them, I am a permanent employee and that my job is an important one, otherwise they wouldn't "huddle" outside of my cubicle while I am trying to lead a conference call!

So while I sit here watching the time slowly pass, waiting for a reasonable time to leave to come, I can honestly say that I am lucky for the job I have.

Ohhhhh Ten

It seems like the last time I wrote it was about my 2009 resolutions! I guess then it would make sense to resolve to write in my blog more often.

This year I decided to mix it up a little. Yes, I am still going to "dance every day" but instead of focusing on others and helping everyone else, this year it is all about JB!

Thanks to Emily for sending me some great ideas, otherwise I wouldn't have even thought to love myself the way I want everyone else to love me. Really? Why didn't I think of that 30 years ago? I also resolve not to waste energy on anyone not willing to spend energy on me. Selfish? Maybe, but good for my health (both mental and physical) - you bet! and this pertains to every aspect of my life; family, friends, co-workers, etc...

Do you dare bet that by 2011 I will be able to count my loved ones on one hand? If so, at least I will know that I have the most genuine of genuine on my side. I mean, I originally said that I wanted to loose weight - there is no better way to loose weight than to get rid of people who are weighing you down.

Now, I didn't say this would be easy as I am typically a "giver" but as far as New Year's Resolutions go, this is by far the smartest move I have made in a while!

Returning home from home....

I spent a long weekend in Salt Lake City. This was the first time I have visited since the day I left to move to Phoenix. I will never forget having my car fully packed, stopping to get gas on 8th South off of State street. The sun peeking up over the Wasatch mountains, and me... heading off to start a new life. I sobbed as I drove away. Tears of sadness and joy overwhelmed me then just as they continue to do today.

I couldn't have asked for a better host than Emily, who knew the visit would be bittersweet. She took every effort to make sure that I was comfortable in every way. It's times like this that I remember why I love her so much. Grandma looked so much better than I expected, which was a relief as this was the main reason I took the trip. She is still the strong, beautiful, amazing woman she was 10, 15, or 20 years ago. I was so happy to get to spend time with Jerry, he is always so damn cheery! It's amazing how well someone can know you without you even realizing it. I'm just relieved to see him so happy. My nephews are both darling and I miss them both so much some times that it hurts! But it was nice to hang out and have a few laughs with the goofballs. And it was so much fun to make new friends too. All in all, it was a great trip.

So once again, I packed my things, headed off (on a plane this time) while the sun was peeking up over the mountains, with tears in my eyes. I left home for home...

Deja Vu

I know you have heard this from me before but this time I am serious. I have ghosts. I don't think that these are mean ghosts but I do think that they don't like me. This isn't just a matter of having ghosts at my house, I believe they follow me and they are really getting into my head. So "why" you ask, do I think I have ghosts? They do things at home such as, messing with the electrical panel, making strange sounds in the house, turning the water on in the backyard and flooding it (while skip was home, he blamed the pool guy - yeah right!), and last night they made the toilet run in the middle of the night and I had to get out of bed and mess with it. And I always have this uneasy feeling like someone is putting ill feelings in my head.

Well, I have had enough and I'm not messing around.

After researching this with Em, I found a Shaman who told me about a smudging ceremony that will take all of the spirits out of your house and then bring the good ones back in. So... I got my sage and lavender (thanks to Emily for shipping it from Salt Lake), a white candle, a feather for fanning and oils. I have setup my sacred place for my candle and I am ready to go. One problem though... Skip insists that I am crazy and wants no part in this ritual, therefore; I have to plan around him so he can be out of my way.

Next post "Ghosts are Gone"? Wish me luck!

New Song...

I have a new theme song... thought you might be interested:

"Stop Your Sobbing"

by: The Pretenders

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGcn15ODltA

It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing

Yes its time for you to stop all of your sobbing oh oh oh

Theres one thing you gotta do

To make me still want you

Gotta stop sobbing now

Yeah yeah stop it stop it

It is time for you to laugh instead of crying

Yes its time for you to laugh so keep on trying oh oh oh

Theres one thing you gotta do

To make me still want you

Gotta stop sobbing now

Yeah yeah stop it stop it

Each little tear that falls from your eyes

Makes, makes me want

To take you in my arms and tell you

To stop all your sobbing

Theres one thing you gotta do

To make me still want you

And theres one thing you gotta know

To make me want you so

Gotta stop sobbing now

Yeah yeah stop it stop it

It's all in the shoes

After being off work for 4 months, the first thing I noticed when I went back is that when you go to the restroom and there is a smell bad enough to make you run out screaming and gasping for air even though you can't because you have 2 minutes to pee before your next call, when you get in your stall and glance under the stall (you know you do it!) you always see "sensible shoes". Why is this? Is it fat women who eat like crap? Is it old women with old bowels? Whatever it is, I'm glad that I still wear hot cute shoes!