S.O.S.

Last week in my 1-1 with my boss (this is how you "connect" with your boss when you are in a self managed position and work remotely - she is in Minneapolis and I am in Tempe, we spend 1 hour each week chatting on the phone about work, and everything else you could imagine) I mentioned to her that my job had taken my soul from me. And as we all know, there is always a little bit of truth in everything you say. So I started thinking about it and I asked myself three important questions.

1 - Is my soul missing?
2 - If yes to 1, did my job actually take my soul or was it something else?
3 - If no to 2, what in the hell sucked the life out of me and stole my soul?

Here is what I came up with... No, my soul is not missing, however; it is damaged and yes, work has something to do with that but is not solely responsible. The world we live in today is also partially responsible for my damaged soul (I am blaming CNN for so eloquently reporting all of the "fucked up shit" that happens in the world every day to me). And last, but not least - I am responsible for my damaged soul. Yes, I said it... ME. This happens when I do not stay true to myself and my beliefs and when I let others influence me in ways that are not acceptable. So there you have it. I have a damaged soul and there are many reasons for this. Repair may not be so easy.

I expect at this point you have assumed that I will tell you what I have done to repair my soul and how I can prevent this most fragile piece of my being from being damaged or lost or stolen again. Well, I can't do that. At this point in the story I have not yet learned how. But I can tell you a few things that I have learned. First, my work does not define who I am. As a matter of fact, if you ask 9 out of 10 people who really know me, they would tell you that I am not in a job that is the perfect fit for me. I do well at work. People like me and I am considered successful to others. This makes me feel successful. This should be and IS enough. I will work on remembering that on days when something that is of no importance to the mass population actually makes me cry! Next, I will be sensitive to all of the horrible things that are going on in the world and I should be, that is me. I don't need to to desensitize just to make it through the front page of CNN - what is happening in this world is sad, and THIS is what i should cry about - not my job! And last, I love who I am when I am being true to myself. This has nothing to do with anyone else in my life. None of my relationships are included in this. When I spend time worrying about the success or failure of my relationships I somehow loose myself - which results in a damaged soul.

So, although I have identified the culprits, mapped out a plan for repair, I am still sitting here with a broken wing. These things take time, and thought, and tears and pain and laughter to heal. I have plenty of time...