JB's Deep Thoughts...

Broken

2010-09-01T13:35:00.002-07:00

I hear that familiar bell on my phone and like Pavlov's dog I salivate. I feel broken and can't understand your interest. I'm like my 10th year birthday doll after she fell to the floor. Although I glued her back together and her crack was hardly noticeable I knew that she was broken and placed her on the back row of the shelf - she never got the attention she deserved and at no fault of her own. I broke her and neglected her. At 12 years old I never realized that this would somehow be foreshadowing of my later life. I also never realized that I would break so easily. Am I now unlovable?

It seems like just yesterday that he first told me that I wasn't right for him, that he was searching for perfection. it was then that it all came crashing down on me - the realization that I was not perfect was slammed into my face at the same force of an airbag deploying in a car accident. And yes, it left me with what felt like whiplash. Each morning thereafter I would wake up, look in the mirror and find one of those imperfections he spoke of. Two years of this same exercise and I now have a very long laundry list of what I think is wrong with me. I think about taking each item on the list and trying to fix one at a time, but that thought lasts only a minute. Instead I take the list, put it in the bag with my belongings and leave. I keep the list but never look at it again... Never turning back.

The bell on my phone rings again, I see the message and smile. Perfect for you, that's all I need to be.

Time to make the donuts....

2010-02-02T14:55:00.003-07:00

Today, for many reasons, I appreciate my job. Not just the fact that I have a job but I appreciate MY actual job. I don't know if I would feel this sense of appreciation if it weren't for the space I sit to do my job. Just a little background... I am what is considered a "remote" employee. This means that I can do my job from anywhere including home. If you have ever worked at home for an extended period of time either you will agree with me or you are a recluse! Working from home sucks! You never get to wear your cute clothes and shoes, you don't meet new people, ever! You end up working from 7:00 am to 7:00 pm because you "are there" and sometimes you don't even shower... for days! It's horrible. So instead of working from home I rent space in a building owned by the company I work for (who shall not be named). This particular building is an operations site - meaning, nobody in this building has a job even remotely close in nature to mine. These people are basically work horses. And what makes it worse is they are contractors. So, not only do they not care about the company that I work for, the company that I work for does not really care about them. This is obvious to me in so many ways! Here are some of the little things that make me grateful for my job... I don't have a boss that talks to me in a group setting every day at the start of my shift like I am a part of a kindergarten class. I have the flexibility to leave my desk when I want for however long I want to be gone. I do not have scheduled lunches and nobody is watching the clock while I am gone. I don't have a boss watching over my shoulder to see if I am on the Internet (obviously or I wouldn't be writing this!). I don't have to choose between two shifts, 5:30 am to 2:30 pm or 2:30 pm to 11:30 pm. I don't have to share my desk, chair or supplies with anyone. And, I am not required to work overtime on Saturday's and Sunday's.

I know, I know... In a market like the one we are in, we should all be grateful to have any job - I am not saying I wouldn't be grateful to have that job if it were my only option. I am just REAL happy that it is not.

So let's talk about these people who work these jobs. I believe they are bred differently from me and most of the people I know. And not only do I work with 300 of them, they change shifts mid day so I get to work with 600 of them! I am not sure of the amount of stress it causes to do their job but I am assuming it is more stress than my current job because they all SMOKE. And yes, this means they all COUGH. That's lovely to listen to all day. Thank god for my iPod. Also, it is as if they don't realize that I have been here longer than any of them, I am a permanent employee and that my job is an important one, otherwise they wouldn't "huddle" outside of my cubicle while I am trying to lead a conference call!

So while I sit here watching the time slowly pass, waiting for a reasonable time to leave to come, I can honestly say that I am lucky for the job I have.

Ohhhhh Ten

2010-01-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

It seems like the last time I wrote it was about my 2009 resolutions! I guess then it would make sense to resolve to write in my blog more often.

This year I decided to mix it up a little. Yes, I am still going to "dance every day" but instead of focusing on others and helping everyone else, this year it is all about JB!

Thanks to Emily for sending me some great ideas, otherwise I wouldn't have even thought to love myself the way I want everyone else to love me. Really? Why didn't I think of that 30 years ago? I also resolve not to waste energy on anyone not willing to spend energy on me. Selfish? Maybe, but good for my health (both mental and physical) - you bet! and this pertains to every aspect of my life; family, friends, co-workers, etc...

Do you dare bet that by 2011 I will be able to count my loved ones on one hand? If so, at least I will know that I have the most genuine of genuine on my side. I mean, I originally said that I wanted to loose weight - there is no better way to loose weight than to get rid of people who are weighing you down.

Now, I didn't say this would be easy as I am typically a "giver" but as far as New Year's Resolutions go, this is by far the smartest move I have made in a while!

Returning home from home....

2009-04-21T14:25:00.002-07:00

I spent a long weekend in Salt Lake City. This was the first time I have visited since the day I left to move to Phoenix. I will never forget having my car fully packed, stopping to get gas on 8th South off of State street. The sun peeking up over the Wasatch mountains, and me... heading off to start a new life. I sobbed as I drove away. Tears of sadness and joy overwhelmed me then just as they continue to do today.

I couldn't have asked for a better host than Emily, who knew the visit would be bittersweet. She took every effort to make sure that I was comfortable in every way. It's times like this that I remember why I love her so much. Grandma looked so much better than I expected, which was a relief as this was the main reason I took the trip. She is still the strong, beautiful, amazing woman she was 10, 15, or 20 years ago. I was so happy to get to spend time with Jerry, he is always so damn cheery! It's amazing how well someone can know you without you even realizing it. I'm just relieved to see him so happy. My nephews are both darling and I miss them both so much some times that it hurts! But it was nice to hang out and have a few laughs with the goofballs. And it was so much fun to make new friends too. All in all, it was a great trip.

So once again, I packed my things, headed off (on a plane this time) while the sun was peeking up over the mountains, with tears in my eyes. I left home for home...

Deja Vu

2009-03-27T14:44:00.002-07:00

I know you have heard this from me before but this time I am serious. I have ghosts. I don't think that these are mean ghosts but I do think that they don't like me. This isn't just a matter of having ghosts at my house, I believe they follow me and they are really getting into my head. So "why" you ask, do I think I have ghosts? They do things at home such as, messing with the electrical panel, making strange sounds in the house, turning the water on in the backyard and flooding it (while skip was home, he blamed the pool guy - yeah right!), and last night they made the toilet run in the middle of the night and I had to get out of bed and mess with it. And I always have this uneasy feeling like someone is putting ill feelings in my head.

Well, I have had enough and I'm not messing around.

After researching this with Em, I found a Shaman who told me about a smudging ceremony that will take all of the spirits out of your house and then bring the good ones back in. So... I got my sage and lavender (thanks to Emily for shipping it from Salt Lake), a white candle, a feather for fanning and oils. I have setup my sacred place for my candle and I am ready to go. One problem though... Skip insists that I am crazy and wants no part in this ritual, therefore; I have to plan around him so he can be out of my way.

Next post "Ghosts are Gone"? Wish me luck!

New Song...

2009-03-27T14:34:00.006-07:00

I have a new theme song... thought you might be interested:

"Stop Your Sobbing"

by: The Pretenders

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGcn15ODltA

It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing

Yes its time for you to stop all of your sobbing oh oh oh

Theres one thing you gotta do

To make me still want you

Gotta stop sobbing now

Yeah yeah stop it stop it

It is time for you to laugh instead of crying

Yes its time for you to laugh so keep on trying oh oh oh

Theres one thing you gotta do

To make me still want you

Gotta stop sobbing now

Yeah yeah stop it stop it

Each little tear that falls from your eyes

Makes, makes me want

To take you in my arms and tell you

To stop all your sobbing

Theres one thing you gotta do

To make me still want you

And theres one thing you gotta know

To make me want you so

Gotta stop sobbing now

Yeah yeah stop it stop it

It's all in the shoes

2009-02-07T18:48:00.003-07:00

After being off work for 4 months, the first thing I noticed when I went back is that when you go to the restroom and there is a smell bad enough to make you run out screaming and gasping for air even though you can't because you have 2 minutes to pee before your next call, when you get in your stall and glance under the stall (you know you do it!) you always see "sensible shoes". Why is this? Is it fat women who eat like crap? Is it old women with old bowels? Whatever it is, I'm glad that I still wear hot cute shoes!

2009-01-30T19:56:00.004-07:00

Every month or so I feel like I have a theme song... you know what I mean, right? I've decided to post my songs from now on. Today:

"I've Always Been Crazy"

By: Waylon Jennings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VO6bI-xrj8

I've always been crazy and the trouble that it's put me through

I've been busted for things that I did, and I didn't do

I can't say I’m proud of all of the things that I’ve done

But I can say I’ve never intentionally hurt anyone

I've always been different with one foot over the line

Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind

It ain't been so easy but I guess I shouldn't complain

I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane

Beautiful lady are you sure that you understand

The chances your taking loving a free living man

Are you really sure you really want what you see

Be careful of something that's just what you want it to be

I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane

Nobody knows if it's something to bless or to blame

So far I ain't found a rhyme or a reason to change

I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane

What's your song?

Not again...

2009-01-30T14:10:00.002-07:00

In the quest for the perfect place to live, Skip and I are moving.... again! In two years we have moved three times now. First was the biggest move of all, me from Salt Lake and Skip from Minnesota. Big move... HUGE! Trying to have a relationship 1,500 miles away just wasn't working. We found a place in Tempe so we could be close to Lori and Dave since we didn't know our way around. Not too far from work - seemed to be the right place. Soon we found out that the place was too small and too far south, so when the lease was up - we moved. Next we moved to a place in Scottsdale. As soon as we moved in we knew the place was too big for us and a little while later we realized we were too far north. The trek for Mom to come visit was just too far and we were further north from work as we were south the first time. So this time we are moving to a place that is right in the middle. Not too big, not too small, not too far South, not too far North. Will this be the place? Is this where we want to buy a home? Will Lucy and Joey like it? It really is a big decision even though we are only renting. We had to find a place that was near the stuff we like - restaurants, grocery stores, Blockbuster, Target, and Lucy's daycare. That's not an easy task. We think we have done it - come back next year to see if we made the right decision...

Uno, Dos, Tres

2009-01-29T20:35:00.003-07:00

Having both Jen and Em here to visit was amazing! I couldn't be more blessed with the friends I have. Here are some things I was reminded of over the week:

1 - Jen tries so hard to be a hard ass but she is really such a sensitive soul. She never needs additional attention and I love how comfortable it is when she is in my house or I am at hers.

2 - Em is the funniest person I know and I am always surprised that we never run out of things to say... If anything, we say too much.

3 - Skip is such a good sport. He let us have the time we needed alone and when he was with us he had just as much fun as we did. He's a great catch! ;)

I love all three of you and can't wait for us to all be together again!

Anatomy

2009-01-20T15:55:00.002-07:00

I have had the TV on all day today - can you guess why? One of what I consider the biggest events our nation has ever seen - President "elect" Obama becomes President Obama... finally. They are at the parade part of the Inauguration and guaranteed, I love parades, but this one is different. Everyone that marches by cheers and salutes the new, fresh president with a look of hope and excitement in their eyes. I have been swallowing tears for an hour now.

Now I have been an Obama supporter from the start. I knew early on that he was my choice over Hilary for numerous reasons and I have watched as more and more people began supporting him. In a time when our nation is in such disarray his campaign of Change was genius. I know that there are still critics but honestly... can it get any worse than where we are today?

I, like those on TV that I see, have a so much excitement for what is to come. I don't know which is better, when you feel something is right in your gut or in your heart but I am feeling it in both. Change is on it's way.

Scrubs - "oh yeah"

2009-01-15T20:57:00.003-07:00

For Christmas this year I got the seventh season of Scrubs on DVD. For those of you who know me or even those who don't but read my blog - you know how I love me some Scrubs! I haven't had a lot of time to watch but tonight Skip went to play hockey and I thought.... "this is my chance!" So I put in the DVD and was preparing the house to be nice and comfy while the theme music was playing in the background. WOW. This one tune brought back so many memories...

It was the worst of times, or so I thought. I was going through the big D and living alone for the first time in 8 years. I was so use to having someone by my side at all times that I struggled with being alone without feeling extremely lonely. I couldn't sleep so I started watching TV at all hours of the night and I found that at the time, you could watch Scrubs for at least 3 hours straight if you changed the channel. So I did. And when that wasn't enough... I bought season one... and two... and three. I had a new love, I wasn't lonely. It was Scrubs.

I had four things that got me through that terrible year and I am sure you can guess the first. Scrubs. Also was Emily, Skippy and Ambien! One night I mixed all four and OH MY GOD. From that night on I felt a special connection with all of them. I knew Emily would be my friend forever when she laughed her ass off at me. I knew Skip was more than a friend when he offered to call my Mom - in Utah, from Minnesota. And I knew that because of Ambien I was now a cast member of Scrubs.

Today I am thankful for that terrible time because I am in a much better place, I can sleep without ambien, I still have Em to laugh at me and Skip gives me so much love. And... I am still a cast member in Scrubs! Seven seasons on DVD and the eighth just starting on TV. I think that for Em, JD and Turk I will climb on my roof and shoot off a flare gun to celebrate!

What's that nipping at your nose?

2009-01-14T09:45:00.003-07:00

Since this is only my second winter in Arizona I expected that I might miss the snow and cold. Maybe even miss bundling up in boots, scarves, gloves and big coats! Well... I don't! I loved putting Christmas lights up (and down) with a t-shirt and flip flops. I love that when my cheeks are rosy it is because of the sun not the cold wind. I love all the beautiful winter flowers and green grass that blooms come November. And for a couple weeks it gets cold enough to have to put on a light jacket instead of just a sweatshirt. At those times you may even wake up to a little frost on the ground. If that is the case you need to be prepared to keep some of your more sensitive plants and flowers warm. So when you ask me if I miss waking up to see a blanket of snow on the ground I will tell you, no. Every so often I wake up to see sheets covering all the plants in my neighborhood. As I drive by and look at all of them, with my window down taking in the fresh warm air - I know that's better than any blanket and I am in the right place.

Haiku for Jen and Em

2009-01-06T21:13:00.001-07:00

Oh my funny girls...
Thanks for the laughter today
Why can't you be here?

Faith

2008-12-30T17:23:00.005-07:00

I'm not sure that I have enough faith or trust in myself when making life decisions. Perhaps I rely on others to make the difficult decisions for me.

Does your mind, whether it be conscious or subconscious bring to light those things that you typically don't think about but maybe should? You know how at some point something that you rarely thought about before comes to the surface and then there are a million signs that come to you through things such as songs, movies, television shows, commercials, etc... that make you aware of that one thing. Are these signs and how do you know what these signs are really telling you to do? And when you figure that out, do you follow what you think they are telling you to do? At what point is a sign really a sign and at what point is it purely coincidence?

When you need answers to questions, who do you ask? Do you pray to a divine power and if you are saying "yes" - isn't the divine really just a part of your subconscious mind which brought this about in the first place?

Did I just answer my own questions?

Weird Science

2008-12-17T12:50:00.002-07:00

I like to cook. Actually, I like to cook A LOT and I am good at it. My friends and family love to eat my creations as I can create my own recipes and or I can eat something at a restaurant and come home and re-create it. From simple appetizers to the most difficult meals - I can do it. The thing I like about cooking is that it's not an exact science. Toss in a little of this, some of that, you know what I mean. Cooking to me is a creative outlet.

Today I found out (the hard way) that baking, unlike cooking anything else, has to be exact! You can't skimp on flour or baking powder or any other ingredient and I mean not at all.

I think I will stick to cooking.

Christmas Letters

2008-12-13T18:15:00.003-07:00

You know how everyone sends out those letters at Christmas that tells you all about their family and what has happened over the year? Well, when you don't have kids and aren't technically married you miss out on the fun of creating these family newsletters. I think if Skip and I created one of those and sent it out it would look something like this:

Well it's been one of those busy years again in the Burbank / Robinson household. Skip and I are both still working for Wells Fargo, Skip is going on 10 years and I am touching 15 - can you believe that? Skip has worked his way up to Program Manager and is the senior team member in our department. I am so proud of him. We both feel very blessed to have our jobs in the Mortgage division with all of the struggles this industry felt this year.

We are all enjoying our new home. Lucy and Joey love the huge back yard and I especially love the lemon, orange, grapefruit, olive trees and the garden. We have been able to make so many treats just by visiting the back yard! The pool and hot tub are an added bonus to the house and Skip is just crazy about the 5 car garage (like we needed that with only three cars)!

Joey turned 10 this October and she is still just as feisty as she was when we got her. I tell you, if you don't have her cheese laid out for her and her water filled up to the brim in her coffee mug she will let you know that she is not happy! Meow, meow, meow! She is so mouthy sometimes (like her Father :)) but we love her just the same.

Our baby Lucy turned 1 in August and we had a party for her. All of her cousins and friends came and brought her gifts; what a blast! She is in school at Camp Bow Wow and she goes three times a week and loves it! She has made a lot of friends at the park also - she is such a social butterfly (like her Mother). She loves playing with her big sister although Joey isn't always happy to have her sister tagging along after her! For the most part they get along well and you can tell they love each other very much.

That's a wrap for 2008, we hope this year brought you and yours as much love, laughter and happiness as it did us and we wish for you an amazing 2009!

Love from our house to yours!
Skip, Janeal, Joey and Lucy

Yep, I think people would finally realize how completely insane we are!!

Christmas in AZ

2008-12-13T17:58:00.002-07:00

It's that time of year in the Robinson / Burbank household... Ok, it's that time of year in EVERY ONE'S household, however; this year for us isn't quite as frantic. Since I have had a bit of extra time I have everything ready for Christmas and then some. This can be good or bad because I feel like I need to have some sense of urgency to get everything done so I keep adding new things to our plate (Skip loves that about me ). So on top of the gifts that I bought for everyone and their dogs (literally - we buy for all the pets) they will also get home made lemoncello, marinated olives off my trees and home made organic dog cookies - not to mention, everyone is coming here next week to decorate their very own gingerbread house - which I baked. For more reasons than one, we are both hoping that I don't have quite as much time on my hands next year!

The Fab Five!

2008-12-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time again... It's the time of year when you hear all out blessings (it starts at Thanksgiving dinner and goes through New Year resolution time). As I was playing Martha Stewart yesterday and preparing for Christmas at our house I started thinking about how I am blessed and I came up with 5 big blessings:

Debbie - My longest friendship which spans almost as long as my lifetime. We are family every bit as much as we are friends. She makes me laugh with out even trying and she makes me cry whenever her big tender heart brings tears to her own eyes.
Jen - I have known her the least amount of time but know her the best. She is the strongest woman I know and she seems to be able to conquer anything thrown her way. She is inspirational to me and don't forget, she has provided me with the children I couldn't have.
Em - She has this uncanny knack of knowing when I need her and finding a way to show up, even if it is just a text message. She is one of the funniest people I know and she can give even me a good run at a talk off!
Sandy - She reminds me that "things are what they should be". She is the spirituality that I need in my life. I love her outlook on all aspects of life and when I need a good uplifting book recommendation I go straight to her!
Amy - Here is the one that matches me in being a free spirit. Nothing can bring Amy down, she has such a amazingly sweet and open spirit about her that is obvious the first time you meet her.

So you see, it is the tenderness, strength, humor, spirituality and easygoing qualities of these 5 women that I strive to find in myself everyday. From California to Florida and even in between, we manage to stay a close as if we live in the same house. I am truly blessed to have the Fabulous Five in my life.

Packing up!

2008-12-02T13:47:00.003-07:00

My doctor started me on new medication a week ago. She really felt like this, combined with the others would make a difference... so she gave me two weeks worth of samples, a script and told me to come back in two weeks. I have taken the pills for a week now and I think I am finally starting to feel better. Could this be the right mixture to heal me so I can get on with my life??? YAHOO! That was, however; until I went to Target to get my prescriptions filled (i love the bottles and I picked purple as my color!) and discovered that my new miracle pill costs $439.00 for a 30 day supply! Are you fucking kidding me? But wait.... I have insurance, this shouldn't be a problem. Ok - so my portion is $270.00 for the 30 day supply. So the question is... do I move to Canada or Mexico?

Realization!

2008-12-01T12:11:00.005-07:00

I have a lot that I want to get done today, mostly cleaning up around the house after a crazy holiday weekend. One thing that absolutely had to be done was cleaning the windows in the family room. Now - let's talk about these windows....6 windows each spanning 4 feet wide and 7 feet high. Yes, my family room is basically a greenhouse! The view from these windows is amazing. The pool that sparkles in the sunshine, olive, orange, lemon, lime and grapefruit trees each bearing colorful fruit, beautiful flowers and foliage everywhere - truly stunning. However; it has been a little hard to appreciate the view because the windows have been SO dirty. I'm not talking a little dirty, they were disgusting! The outside of the windows have an excuse.... they have gone through monsoon season, the inside - who knows??? They were just damn dirty! So I spent about an hour cleaning the inside and just in case you want to know - dish soap and water to wash them down and a clean cloth to dry works so much better than any cleaning product such as Windex. Then I make the trek outside, grabbed the hose and went to work. I hosed down each window and every time that I sprayed the water the most beautiful rainbow would appear. The glory of this life is that you can find beauty in even the dirtiest jobs!

If it's not good or bad luck, what kind of luck is it?

2008-11-24T15:54:00.003-07:00

As I was walking around the back yard, picking up dog poo, a bird flew right into my head. It didn't poop on me, it just about knocked me out, but no poop. Is this bad luck or good luck? Take into consideration the task at hand (picking up dog poo) and then decide... is a bird flying into my head really worse than what I was doing? I think it may have been good luck or perhaps no luck at all... just some random incident.

2008-11-21T10:02:00.003-07:00

Let me tell you what a typical night in my bed is like (not that perverts!) In a queen size bed I am lucky if I get half of the space because Skip is usually in the middle. With my half, or how ever much I have, I also share with Lucy and Joey. Joey is typically by my head and Lucy is laying on my legs. Now, I know you are thinking "get the pets off your bed" but our pets are our children and they are quite spoiled! So, I share. And to be honest, space is not my biggest issue... All THREE of my bed-mates snore. Sometimes Skip and Lucy have a snore off and it would be hard to tell who is who except for recently Skip has this nose whistle thing. Joey is more of a purrrrrr than a snore but it is still a loud noise coming from her nose / mouth area. I have invested in ear plugs but when you have a trio of snorers, they don't help much. Those little breathe right strips actually work, now all I need is to get Skip to actually wear them at night, and I need to find some little ones for Joey and Lucy. Maybe then I will get a good nights sleep!

Making "real" changes

2008-11-18T20:02:00.002-07:00

I think that each of us can look back on our lives and separate them into tiny segments of little lifetimes. At least I can. I think that you know you are doing okay when you are learning from each experience. Today I realized that I am learning and advancing and I wish the same for each of you. I came to this conclusion when I realized that the Rubbermaid in my cupboard has stayed organized for over 4 months now!

For Emily: A Haiku

2008-11-17T21:22:00.002-07:00

Some days are just tears
Then all I can do is smile
Like sunshine and rain

Midwest Montage....

2008-11-16T11:46:00.003-07:00

So we made it home. Although it is nice to visit and see family and friends, it is so nice to come home... especially when you are coming home to 80 degree weather vs. 30's. If I tried to write about the entire visit it would take to much time and space, so instead I have decided to do a montage - you know, like they do in the moves. Here goes!

Late night flight, wake up the Weber/Coopers, cuddle, sleep, wake up, cuddle, leave.
Drive..... drive more.... drink DP, eat Doritos and all kinds of other crap, listen to book on CD, drive more.
Arrive in SD - Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Pokey and Dolly happy to see us.
Dinner with Greg, Casey, Gabe, Lauren. Happy Birthday Greg! Finish crossword puzzle. Sleep.
Sleep in, insulate, drive around town with Bonnie, Eat nummy dinner, visit with Teri and Rat Bag, Work on new crossword puzzle, sleep.
Wake up, Christmas shop for the kids (we love toys!!!), find out x is having baby - weird!, nap, dinner with the family, sleep.
Wake up, break computer, fix computer, setup Bonnie's Ipod, open presents, work on Kia's algebra (Skip, not me!), drive.....eat fun dip, pringles, DP and other crap, finish book on CD, drive more.
Arrive back at Weber / Coopers, go to dinner - nummy Japanese, setup Christmas tree (I know, I know, it's too early!) Watch The Soup, Saturday Night Live then go to sleep.
Wake up at butt crack of dawn, fly home.

It may not sound too exciting to you but we had a great time and as always, the trip was too short and next time we need to plan for more time in both locations! However; the next trip will be between the months of April and August. No more of this freezing crap. Looks like it's time for y'all to visit us!!

Letters to myself - Tres

2008-11-13T23:20:00.002-07:00

Dear Faith,

I understand that you are belief without truth and I accept you. I am counting on you to help me give up control. To stop me from trying to predict my future and trust that I will have happiness. Help me understand that for each painful experience, a lesson will be learned, for without pain, there would be no pleasure. Without you I will not be able to accept the love that is not obvious. I know that with you in my life, all things are possible. Once you are in my life I will know, despite my changing moods, that which I once knew, is still my truth.

I welcome you with open arms!

Janeal

Comfort

2008-11-12T13:46:00.003-07:00

So... We have made the annual winter trip to the frozen tundra; South Dakota via Minnesota. We flew in last night, LATE last night, and stayed at Jen's and got up early to make the 5 hour drive to Aberdeen. During my short stay in Minneapolis I had a million thoughts running through my mind about why I love staying at Jen's house. I will just mention a few:

It doesn't matter when I show up, the door is open and I am welcome.

My room is always ready with my favorite smelly candles burning and my bed is so comfy with nice, clean, crisp sheets and fluffy down pillows and comforter. (I call it MY room, not sure if everyone else realizes it's mine!!)

There are always two beautiful girls and sometimes three (unless she is already in bed) that run to the door happy to see me.

If Jen is in bed, I can just crawl in next to her for hugs and she never minds that I wake her.

Anna and Shiva also come out to greet me (not Mia, typical bitchy cat).

If I need something I can always find it just by looking, and I never feel like I shouldn't be looking in any particular place (I know what drawer to stay out of!!).

Box of tissue in the bathrooms. Some people don't know how important this is and just so you know.... toilet paper is NOT the same as tissues!

Cuddles with Autumn and Aspen.

And my favorite.... When Jen hugs me goodbye in the morning, I can smell her for the rest of day and be comforted by all these things.

I can't wait to arrive back at her house on Saturday for it to all start over again.

Letters to myself - Part deux

2008-11-10T14:15:00.002-07:00

Dear Pride,

You are the part of me that kept me from accepting help when in fact, I needed it more than ever. You stopped me from saying I'm sorry, I love you, I need you, I want you. You made me think that I knew it all so I never learned from those that were most willing to teach. You had excess belief in my abilities that made me doubt in my belief of the divine grace. You are the ultimate source of all of my other sins.

You are no longer welcome... PLEASE LEAVE.

Sincerely,
Janeal

Fall...

2008-11-09T13:52:00.005-07:00

It's that time of year again... Time to carve pumpkins:

Dress up the kids:

And.... plant pansies?????

Not sure I am use to this climate yet...

Letting go.

2008-11-08T21:31:00.008-07:00

I woke from my dream screaming for you. You didn't answer. I looked everywhere, calling your name as I ran from room to room. Then I realized I was still dreaming; or at least I thought so. But you showed up anyway so why does it matter if it was a dream or not. But it did... You had changed. So much, as a matter of fact that I wouldn't have recognized you if it weren't for your eyes. They were the same. They have that look of laughter deep down even when the tears well up on the surface. As if you cry just so everyone knows you are like the rest of them, but really you are laughing inside. I know now that is not true. Despite the laughter in your eyes, you cry like everyone else. As a matter of fact, I think that you cry more than anyone realizes. But that was not a noticeable change, it's just something I know about you. Your physical appearance was the same. That wasn't the change I was seeing. I am so use to you moving at a fast pace, one step ahead of everyone else. I have always thought it must be such a chore to try to anticipate what everyone else will do and when they will do it, but you never let on that that was what you were doing. You tend to speak your words so quickly yet so eloquently, as if they were a part of script you had memorized. You rarely miss speak and when you do, that also seems like a part of the script. Perhaps you practice every word you say in advance. It is hard to tell. But now there is only a slight resemblance of those traits in you. I believe that your spontaneity will be missed by me the most, but I have had some time to adjust, as that was really the first part of you to go. And I can only hope that you will never lose the laughter. Somehow you always found something to laugh about and you were never silent about it. I believe you touched more people with your laughter than anything else. But again, I can't be sure: about you loosing the laughter and also about the effect you have on people. That also may be something we just thought was happening. It may have been a part of the dream; if this is a dream. I can't find you anymore so I scream for you again, you still don't answer me. I will not waste my time running from room to room to look for you again, I know now that you have left. I must spend my time mourning the loss of you, because I know now that you will not return. And if, by some small chance you do; I have no choice but to ignore you as I have been told that you are no good for me anymore. But I miss you so much, already. Oh the times we had, I don't think anyone would believe us if we tried to speak of all of them. I can only hope that your replacement brings me as much joy, and happiness and as many beautiful memories as you did.

Farewell my friend. You will be missed...

Letters to myself - Part 1

2008-11-07T10:01:00.004-07:00

Dear Ego,

You are the piece of me that causes me to worry, makes me live in doubt, makes me scared and judge other people. You make me afraid to trust, to need proof, to believe only when convenient. Because of you I fail to follow up, refuse to practice what I preach, need to be rescued, want to be a victim and I beat up on my "self." Without you I would not feel the need to be right all of the time and I would not continue to hold on to what does not work!

Let this be your warning.... YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED!

Sincerely,
Janeal

Put me in the hands of my maker and call it a day!

2008-11-06T20:20:00.003-07:00

I think there are two types of people when it comes to taking control of your own life. There are those of us who are going to learn as much as we can about what is going on in our lives. We will research on the Internet, we will read books, we will ask friends, family, doctors, counselors, we will take quizzes! We do what it takes to learn. Then we make educated decisions based upon what we have learned. We are advocates of change when change is needed. The process is stressful and takes a lot of time, time worth spending because this is - your life! Then there are those who don't do a fucking thing. They just let things happen, perhaps leaving it up to some divine power. The crazy thing about it is that the result is the same either way. Why do I bother??

Recycle, Reuse, Reduce

2008-11-05T22:37:00.003-07:00

We hear so much about being green these days and I know that all my friends and family are doing one thing or another to reduce their own carbon footprint. Some of the more logical things are, recycling garbage - this has been made easy due to the fact that most cities now have recycling programs, some which are mandatory (like in Wisconsin - when I lived there in 1997 you HAD to recycle and if they found recyclables in your garbage you would get a fine!). Another being taking your own bags to the grocery store. We keep the bags in our cars so we don't' forget. Car pooling - this is easy for us, not so easy for others. Working from home - this saves gas and allows us a day in our PJ's without showering (yahoo!) You get my drift... But, today I discovered another way to be green and it's one of the best ways yet! Getting books from the library. Yep - you heard me right! I forgot how much I love the library. Let me give you a few reasons why:

There are a million books to pick from (and audio books)
There are a million movies to pick from
There are a million CD's to pick from
There is so much community information available
Internet
It's FREE!

I tell you, I was like a kid in a candy store today. First, I was so proud to get my new library card. I really am becoming an Arizonian (is that what they are called?) Second, I thought the lady was crazy when she told me I could check out 35 items at a time - this was before I started looking around. I was limited on time and I came home with 6 books! I didn't even have time to get to the CD's, DVD's, or audio books. Third, this really helps me save money! I have been buying a book each month for book club and I have been doing a lot of research on other things and buying books for that - well guess what??? They are all at the library!

Next thing I am going to explore is Vintage Shopping. Yep, you got it, thrift stores, consignment shops, etc... Like Kermit said "It's Not Easy Being Green" but hey, I think I will give it a try!

Time to grow my wings...

2008-11-04T21:41:00.016-07:00

It has been a very long time since I have written anything, and not for lack of time - that I have had plenty of! Just for lack of creativity! However; tonight, on this night of great change, I feel like I need to say something. Now, don't let me confuse you - I really have no idea what I am about to say, I just know I need this outlet.

Now I don't typically like to talk politics, but those of you who know me, know that I do not hide my political affiliation with the Democratic Party. If you do not know how passionate I am about this, please ask Skip - he can attest to my passion. I must also explain that although my Grandfather was a devout Democrat, my dedication to this party has nothing to do with family, religion, or any other obligation. I support the Democratic Party purely because it is the best match for me, my views on so many issues, and my lifestyle. This is a decision I have made for myself. With all of that being said - I can not be happier about the results of the Presidential Election tonight and I will end my evening by praying for peace in the upcoming Presidential Term so that our new President can do the job that we have elected him to do. I urge you to do the same.

Now, you may not see the connection between the election results and this next paragraph but give me time...

I have been sick for a while, very sick, and I am currently on medical leave from work and will be for another month or so. And similar to politics, I don't really like to talk about it. And, to those of you who actually read this blog and know that I have been sick but only know the small amount of details I have given you, thank you for respecting my privacy and while you are praying for peace for out country tonight - slip a little one in there for me and my own inner peace! Thanks for that.

So, here is the connection. Like the country and the state of turmoil we are in, so am I in turmoil. I have literally been in a period of "waiting for things to get better." For my country and for myself. I truly am not a patient person. For fucks sake - I hate to shop online because it takes so damn long to show up on my doorstep. But to get those things that we truly want, we must wait. In the words of Sue Monk Kidd, "we must cocoon." For so long we have been that caterpillar, climbing, crawling, struggling, and now we must wait and prepare for this new stage. So that is what I have done. I have spun my chrysalis and I am in a stage of waiting. And I will wait, patiently, for I know that soon I will break through, and fly.

Today, as I took Skip outside to show him how many lemons were actually ripe on the lemon tree the most beautiful monarch butterfly flew over our heads. Now you might not see the beauty in this, but this particular butterfly was flying somewhat unsteady, as if it were it's first flight. And to confirm this theory, part of the crysalisis was still hanging from the butterfly in flight. At this sight I knew, in my heart that there was change to look forward to. I also knew that I am not ready to leave my cocoon, so i rejoiced in the fact that the change that was about to happen would benefit so many others.

So as I wait for the next 77 days to pass so we can get President Bush the HELL out of the White House (his first four years could compare to that catterpilar stage where we worked so hard for nothing, the final four years our waiting period, knowing that ANY change would be better) and welcome President Obama with open arms, I will also be waiting... Waiting to emerge from the cocoon that I spun after a long hard trip as a catterpilar, into that beautiful butterfly, with a new sense of hope, with a healthy diagnosis, and a new outlook on life.

Come And Get It!!!

2008-07-21T20:21:00.004-07:00

One of the best memories that I have from my childhood is the family dinners that we had each night. This is strange to me as I also remember that when I was younger I was always bothered that I had to come in from playing and eat at a specific time and I was never allowed to just throw down the food as quick as I could and rush back out to catch one more game of hide and seek, there was family time to be had! But now, as an adult (39 years and it still sounds weird to call myself an adult) I can appreciate those times.

Guaranteed, I have tried to re-create the family dinner many times with all of the poor men or roommates that have come and gone, but nothing quite compares. I finally just gave up trying and like they say (whoever the fuck they are) once you stop trying, it happens.

You may or may not know but our family of four, which includes the pets, has increased to six! Nathan is here staying with us for a while, checking out the big city, seeing what it has to offer that can't be found in Aberdeen, and Todd is also shacking up at La Hacienda establishing his career, waiting for his house to sell so he can then get his own place and move Kelly and the kids down here to the land of the sun. As chaotic as it may sound, there are many pay offs to being the only girl in a house of three men, a dog and a cat! First, I never have to be on poop duty anymore. Second, I no longer have to be responsible for taking out the garbage or recycling. Third, whenever there are bugs or lizards that have found their way into the house, there is always someone here to get them back out! The best part by far though, is dinner time.

We rarely sit in front of the TV with trays, we sit at the kitchen table (not to be confused with the dining room table which rarely gets used. I swore I would never be like my mother and have furniture that didn't get used - oh well!) and we talk, and laugh, and plan our next meal our next movie or our next weekend adventure. We talk about work, movies, music, pets, past experiences and future goals and plans.

So, although the dinner conversation is different as it is primarily led by testosterone unlike the estrogen filled conversations of my youth (poor Dad, only relief he got once I hit the age of 12 was when Grandpa would join us each Sunday), they are family dinners - the ones I have been longing so many years for.

The better things in life....

2008-05-09T13:49:00.002-07:00

Sometimes we spend so much time thinking about what is wrong that we loose touch with what is right... Like something as simple as kissing the one you love most. It's amazing how real things become at moments like this.

Coincidence??

2008-05-08T19:39:00.002-07:00

I'm a huge fan of music. A particular song can take me to any place I want to be in an instant. And then there are times where you come across a song that is so perfect for the moment you are in, well today that happened tonight. I haven't heard this song for years, and as if from nowhere there it was. Perfect timing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wOenp3MUnh0

Somewhere deep inside somethings got a hold on you
And its pushing me aside see it stretch on forever
I know I'm right, for the first time in my life
That's why I tell you... you'd better be home soon
Stripping back the coats of lies and deception
Back to nothingness like a week in the desert
I know I'm right... for the first time in my life
That's why I tell you... you'd better be home soon
So don't say no, don't say nothings wrong
Cause when you get back home, maybe Ill be gone...
It would cause me pain if we were to end it
But I could start again, you can depend on it
I know I'm right... for the first time in my life
That's why I tell you, you'd better be home soon...

Hmmm.....

Lost in translation...

2008-05-05T19:31:00.003-07:00

My dear friend Jen has an interesting post on her blog right now, and I can't help but think it spawned from a conversation we had. Well... honestly - most of our blogs are spawned from our conversations, but this one in particular deserves to be read, and to be though about...

http://finiteorinfinity.blogspot.com/2008/05/rose-by-any-other-name.html

Reading this makes me about so many things - but let's narrow it down to just one topic: our words and English slang. Each word has a specific meaning, but when we compile words into a sentence or a paragraph - then it is up to translation? Take the most well known story on earth "the Bible." These words, upon translation, mean so many different things to so many different people. Who's right? Wars have been waged upon deciding who was correct yet, it's never been decided.

The other morning when driving to work, Skip and were talking about something that I found upsetting. Skip proceeded to tell me that he thought it was "funny" that I was upset. So I took this literally; as in "Skip finds this funny, and is laughing at my pain." Well, a half day later, and many, many harsh words, I found out that when he said funny, he meant it more in the sense of irony. So not so much "funny ha ha" but "funny strange." Once we figured out what was lost in translation, we then proceeded to argue about how we use our words. I told him that he should say what he means and if he didn't mean that it was funny, in the literal sense such as "1 a: affording light mirth and laughter : amusing b: seeking or intended to amuse" then he should have used another word. Now.... how fair was that? By saying this, I am in a sense, taking away his right to translate as he sees fit.

Think about how we use these words for a minute... Let's take my sisters favorite saying "It's the bomb!" - well, it really isn't a bomb or you would run, unless of course you are some kind of hero then by all means, throw yourself on it. But she is not saying it is dangerous, or it will explode. She is saying that it is good, or great. And let's not forget our favorite word of the 80's - "bad". Wow, did we overuse that word in the wrong tense. Everything was "bad". She was "bad ugly", he was "bad cute", the fries at McDonald's were "bad good" WTF? Seriously, we did not use the word as originally intended. So now, 20 years later, we have become more advanced and we change our words. Such as, "fat" means overweight, but "phat" means killer, but not killer like a criminal but killer like cool, but not cool like cold, cool like..... see - it truly can be confusing When you look at it this way, nobody has the right to say that anyone has said something wrong. It's all based upon our individual translation.

So try this out; take a word out of the dictionary - one that is not used much but is slightly recognizable and start using it in your everyday conversations with family, friends and co-workers. But... instead of using it with it's correct meaning, assign any meaning to this word that you want. I bet that it wont take any time at all before others start using the word in the same tense.

So Jennifer, again my dear - we agree. It truly is about perspective. Thank you for the thought provoking blog, and in my mind, you are a rose. A beautiful flower, with thorns!

Pirates ARRRGGGHH Cool!

2008-04-30T14:07:00.006-07:00

For the past 48 hours my left eye has been twitching. What started out as a small little annoyance has now turned into a massive disturbance bordering harassment! At first I had tricked myself into believing that it was only twittering at work, because then I had something easy to blame it on. However; it's not a work thing. It flutters all day and night. Even when I lay down and close my eyes to go to sleep - it's still jumping around. Yesterday Jen was sick of hearing me complain about it so she Googled "twitching eye" and told me that I had fatigue, or too much caffeine, or dry eyes. So I went to bed at 8 last night, didn't drink any Dr. Pepper (you know I love me a DP!) and started using Skip's visine (he always has red-eyes, one day I will tell you about the South Dakota State Trooper). None of this made any difference. Everyone else that i mention this to tells me that it is caused by stress. Um, ok.... And can you tell me why the twitching started this week? I have been stressed continually for the past two years, at least - and NOW my eye is fluttering. Is this the result of some kind of stress build up? Seriously. And it's like hiccups, nobody knows why you get them or how to get rid of them. Today my eye feels sore, from all the movement, I mean my eye hasn't had this much winking action since Vegas in 1998! It also feels crusty, which Bernie has told me was from "touching' it too much but could be from the visine. In any case, the one thing that temporarily alleviates the blinking, is to cover my eye with my hand. Yes, you heard me right - I need to cover my eye. I hope you see where I am going with this...

Tomorrow you can expect to see me with my striped shirt, big hoop earring and black shoes with buckles. And don't forget the most important piece.... The eye patch.

S.O.S.

2008-04-28T18:58:00.004-07:00

Last week in my 1-1 with my boss (this is how you "connect" with your boss when you are in a self managed position and work remotely - she is in Minneapolis and I am in Tempe, we spend 1 hour each week chatting on the phone about work, and everything else you could imagine) I mentioned to her that my job had taken my soul from me. And as we all know, there is always a little bit of truth in everything you say. So I started thinking about it and I asked myself three important questions.

1 - Is my soul missing?
2 - If yes to 1, did my job actually take my soul or was it something else?
3 - If no to 2, what in the hell sucked the life out of me and stole my soul?

Here is what I came up with... No, my soul is not missing, however; it is damaged and yes, work has something to do with that but is not solely responsible. The world we live in today is also partially responsible for my damaged soul (I am blaming CNN for so eloquently reporting all of the "fucked up shit" that happens in the world every day to me). And last, but not least - I am responsible for my damaged soul. Yes, I said it... ME. This happens when I do not stay true to myself and my beliefs and when I let others influence me in ways that are not acceptable. So there you have it. I have a damaged soul and there are many reasons for this. Repair may not be so easy.

I expect at this point you have assumed that I will tell you what I have done to repair my soul and how I can prevent this most fragile piece of my being from being damaged or lost or stolen again. Well, I can't do that. At this point in the story I have not yet learned how. But I can tell you a few things that I have learned. First, my work does not define who I am. As a matter of fact, if you ask 9 out of 10 people who really know me, they would tell you that I am not in a job that is the perfect fit for me. I do well at work. People like me and I am considered successful to others. This makes me feel successful. This should be and IS enough. I will work on remembering that on days when something that is of no importance to the mass population actually makes me cry! Next, I will be sensitive to all of the horrible things that are going on in the world and I should be, that is me. I don't need to to desensitize just to make it through the front page of CNN - what is happening in this world is sad, and THIS is what i should cry about - not my job! And last, I love who I am when I am being true to myself. This has nothing to do with anyone else in my life. None of my relationships are included in this. When I spend time worrying about the success or failure of my relationships I somehow loose myself - which results in a damaged soul.

So, although I have identified the culprits, mapped out a plan for repair, I am still sitting here with a broken wing. These things take time, and thought, and tears and pain and laughter to heal. I have plenty of time...

Waiting for Santa!

2008-03-28T10:09:00.004-07:00

In my life I have always been so lucky to find such good friends. Honestly, I am almost 40 and I think back about all of the people that have touched my life over the years and I know that someone is watching over me and providing me with the support I need at the exact time I need it. Some may disagree with me, because there are a lot of people out there that think that the best friends are "lifelong" friends. However; I think that the best friends are friends that come into your life at the exact time you need them and they serve a particular purpose! They don't have to stay forever, all though some do - Debbie Smebby, but it's not a bad thing if they don't.

When I think back, aside from Debbie - the first girlfriend that i really connected with was Jen, and I think that we were brought together for a reason because without each other, surviving the deaths of Dad and Matt would have been unbearable. Then there was Britt, and without her and that period of being "free" I would have never ended up as happy as I am today. And then Lynnette... Wow! I can't imagine what those years would have been like without PNut! And then, right when i needed it, Emily was there for me. At the second hardest time of loss that I have ever experienced - she swooped in and put me under her wing and took care of me. And then Jen came along and when there are days that I feel like I am sinking, I call her because she is the life saver I need. And it's not just girls that have blessed my life. I can't imagine life without Scottie, Jerry, Moyo and Bernie. They all play completely different - but equally important roles in the theater production known as "My Life."

So as I sit here writting this, feeling quite sentimental, I am drowsy. Drowsy because last night I couldn't sleep. It was as if I was 10 years old again and it was Christmas Eve and I knew that the next day would be filled with fun and laughter and love (and presents!) But it's not Santa that I am waiting for, it's Jen... She better fucking bring me a present!!!

What's that? Did you say something?

2008-02-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

All morning I have been trying to think of what to say regarding the past three days with IZO Cleanse... Was it worth it? Well.... I just don't think that this question can be answered with a yes or a no. Let's start with something easier... Would I do this cleanse again? Probably not. At a later date I may consider doing the light cleanse where you can eat a little with your drinks each day, but right now... the thought of drinking any of those HORRIBLE tasting powders just makes me want to vomit! I am very sensitive to taste and smell... Both Skip and I were suprised that I made it through the three days. I want to be healthy, I am willing to sacrifice, but this was honestly very hard! All the meditating in the world was not getting me in the right frame of mind to accept the taste. I do believe that I made the right choice with IZO Cleanse and if I lived in LA, I would certainly do the SuperFood Cleanse where they deliver the fresh juices and teas to your door, but the powders.... not for me. I did quite a bit of research when picking a cleanse... There are a million out there (Marthas Vineyard, Mastercleanse, the million on the counter at Whole foods including colon blow). If you are considering a cleanse, do your research and pick the one that is right for you. With that being said... (perfect segway) I would tell you that NOBODY knows your body like you do. Listen to what your body is telling you. I knew yesterday that it was time for me to incorporate food back into my diet. By 3PM I had drank the juice every hour as instructed and I was starving! My stomach was growling and my waste was minimal. I knew that I needed something, even if it was just some fresh vegetables. So.... My advice - watch what you put in your body in the first place. The less something has to be processed - the better it is for you. Stick to organic, natural foods. Everything in moderation (sugar, alcohol... you know where I am going) If you do this, do you really need to cleanse that often? I think your body will tell you. All in all... I guess I can't complain. As I mentioned before, I lost 4 pounds, I feel good, my skin looks great (blemishes are gone) and I am free of yeast! Oh yeah.... I have enough powder and pills left for another two days at least, maybe three... I am sending them to Jen - she can try it out and let us know if she thinks it was worth it...

IZO Superfood Cleanse Suggestions....

2008-01-31T12:24:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention in any of my writings over the past three days what worked and what didn't work... Just in case you are interested here are some of my ideas....

If you work, take some time off to do the cleanse or do it on a weekend (hopefully one that is cold and rainy so you can lock yourself inside and not be tempted to eat).
Only take the LAX pills if you need them... If things are "progressing" as they should don't take all of them.
Take the sponge in 8 oz. of juice instead of the full pint. This stuff is the hardest because of the texture, not necessarily the taste. It's much easier to get 8 oz. down then it is a full pint. However; the sponge is my favorite part of the cleanse - you can actually FEEL it working.
Don't even try to take the stuff in water! Make sure that you are using all natural, organic juice and get the sweet stuff!! Some of the best mixtures so far have been: Fruit with Grape (white or concord), Green with Apple or Pear, Root is just plain nasty! I have tried in in everything... I think my favorite so far has been the Pineapple Coconut, and Sponge with Orange Mango. Skip the Cranberry, Cherry or Blueberry juices, they are to tart!
If you have any questions, email Tim (the Owner and CEO of IZO Force). This man is amazing! He always responds to my emails so fast.

There you have it.... JB's Cleansing Tips!

Up in the air...

2008-01-31T12:10:00.000-07:00

So, I didn't write last night like I said I would... And I have a good excuse. I was pissy! Nights are so hard! Here are my thoughts about why:

I am a social eater. If I can't eat you have cut my social life practically off! And I don't mean just going out to dinner with friends and family, I mean - going to a movie and eating popcorn, or having people over for meals, or just making dinner with Skip at home and sitting down together to eat. Without these things, what do I do at night? We tried watching movies but do you know what everyone does in movies? They EAT!
By the time you get to your 3rd root, grass or juice of the day you are sick of it! Not because it tastes horrible (even though it does) but because you have already drank it TWO other times that day. I need to mix it up a little - I can't eat a meal of just one thing, I need two or three small items - meat, veggie and some form of carb. I don't like leftovers because I don't want to eat the same thing two days in a row - I DON'T WANT ANYMORE JUICE.

So with that, please know that I am still not saying that this cleanse is not worth it, I am 4.5 lbs lighter, my skin is blemish free, I finally got rid of the pesky infection that the antibiotic for the sinus infection gave me - I really do feel good! But..... I miss chewing my food. I would say that in the future I would do the 10 day mild cleanse (where you get to have some food with your drinks) instead of the 3 day intense cleanse. I will let you know tomorrow, once I get some food in me and am thinking straight, how I really feel. Right now, it's still up in the air!

Take time to think things through....

2008-01-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

So, after one day of drinking mud we decided to re-think our choices in juice. Or rather, just "think" our choices. Honestly, when we bought the juice for the first day we just picked a few different flavors out and went on our way - and i don't know that you could do it any different if you have never tasted the powders - Anyway, this time we thought it through. And, by the time it is all said and done, I think we will have the perfect taste combinations..

I woke up this morning feeling good. I wasn't hungry and i was happy and had plenty of energy. Not to mention, I was 2.5 lbs. lighter on the scale. Now - please know that this isn't about loosing weight for either of us as we don't have a lot of weight that we need to loose, it is more about getting healthy. However, if this cleanse is doing what it should do and "cleaning us out" then we should weigh less. And we know that it's not your typicall "water weight" loss as we are both dirnking our weight in water / juice each day! Skip was 3 lbs. lighter.

I will let you know how we are doing tonight. It seem like when you are sitting at home, you want to munch on something. At least during the day we can stay busy with work!

You are what you eat.

2008-01-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

Let me first start by telling you that this cleanse came in powders and pills, 4 powders and 2 jars of pills. In the instructions it read that you may want to mix the powders with juice instead of water due to the taste not being very "likable." Then it reminded you that this cleanse is about optimum health, not taste. That, right there should have been the warning sign! Another important tid-bit is that in our quest to become healthy, Skip and I have been eating all organic (when possible) and natural. Have you tasted all natural juice? Yeah, it's no Ocean Spray. So with that being said, let me tell you about my breakfast this morning at 7 AM. it was IZO Sponge mixed with a pint of organic, natural blueberry juice. Wow! I had no idea that that particular combination made ASS! I finished it well after 8 AM, which means I was late to drink my next drink, IZO Green, mixed with another full pint (let me just mention here that every drink is a full pint - that is a lot of liquid to consume every hour, even if it did taste good). I can't remember which juice i mixed it with but it doesn't really matter because the taste of grass, or is is alfalfa??? Not sure, but anyway, I am sure it overpowers any juice! My next drink at 9 AM (even though it was almost 10 by the time i got to it) was IZO Root... Need I say more? This one had a very familiar taste, maybe sage or some overpowering spice like that?? Finally, at 11 AM I got to my IZO Juice, this can't be that bad can it??? Actually, it is the best of the four powders, but honestly, that is not saying much. The pills, IZO LAX and IZO Liver, ah..... why can't all of the powders be put into a pill form so you can just drink them down with water? So.... There you have it. Is it worth it? Not sure yet. What I do know for sure are these things:

This cleanse works differently on each person. I know this because at 7:15 AM Skip was already hitting the bathroom and by 9 AM he told me that he thought he just "flushed the taco he ate a week ago." And it's almost 5 PM now and I, on the other hand am scheduling the water hydrotherapy (fancy word for colonic) to help me get this crap out of me.
Your sense of smell is very tricky. The smell of the gross frozen packaged lunches that everyone in my building consumes every day usually makes me want to vomit. And today, they smelled like heaven! Needless to say, I came home.
The TV commercials that usually don't do anything for me are making me want to cry! Yes, I am hungry and the thought of two more days of not eating is killing me.

So, there ya have it, Day 1. I must now go to the store to get 3 more gallons of juice for tomorrow. So for now I will leave you with a quote "Don't gamble with a fart, you will loose every time!" - Skip re. IZO Cleanse

Clean em' out!

2008-01-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

Ok - I am going to attempt to write for 5 days straight... Why, you ask? Well, I feel that you should all be aware of what I am going through this week as tomorrow I will start my 3 day cleanse. This is an all liquid juice and tea cleanse, no solid food. (You know I love me some solid food). IZOCleanse is the product, it is a"comprehensive bowel, kidney, liver, gall bladder, blood, parasite and heavy metal detox program." Yep, quote is straight from the website! So today, as i prepare by by eating all organic and raw, I will cherish every bite because tomorrow and the next day and the next I will be eating breakfast, lunch and dinner out of a straw! Check in tomorrow to see how it is going....

Simplify What?

2008-01-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

So in an attempt to simplify my life.... Yes I said it again, "Simplify My Life" - seems to be my theme of the past two years... anyway, in an attempt to simplify my life I decided to get a puppy. WTF?

Yeah - I know! Insane. But.... Here she is, "Baby Lucy!" We got her on October 30, and she was a nine pound 8 week old Bullmastiff mix. I SWEAR I was not looking for a dog, although I believe that everyone should have a pet, I was not looking for a dog. I have Joey Bag O' Donuts and lord knows she was not interested in any other additions to our family. But... There she was, on Craigslist - this tiny little fragile soul, in need of a good home. We had to do it! So, two phone calls, one trip to the ATM, a short drive to Mesa and a stop at PetSmart and there you have it - Welcome to your new home Lucy (or Lucy-fer.... read on to find out more).

Anyone who says that owning a dog is easy must be on crack - because it is anything but! For instance, did you know that you can only keep a dog in it's crate for one hour per each month old. This means, that when we got Lucy, at 8 weeks, or two months (you do the math) she could stay in her crate for two hours at a time. Great! So much for our 8 hour a day (at least) jobs! And, then there is the Vet - Lucy has been to the doctor more since we have had her then I have in the last seven years! There are training classes and now.... get ready... Day Care! Yep, you guessed it. Doggy Day Care! You know, you have to socialize your dogs!

Anyway, it's all worth it. Even the scars on my feet and ankles (hence the name Lucy-fer) and the little bite marks on shoes, table legs, arm chairs, etc... The constant cleaning of pee, the tormenting of the cat (JBD is NOT happy about this dog) the vet bills, the PetSmart bills (buy stock people, it's going up!) all of it.

So although my life is certainly not more simple, it is more full. Full of love - I mean, who doesn't have room for the love that a now 4 month old, 30 pound puppy can give?

Which way to Kenui Street?

2007-10-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

When a group of six girls go on vacation one of the goals is to meet people, and I'm not talking about "hook up's" - I just mean, meet people. Well, we succeeded on our trip to Maui and I have to say, we met the best group of people you could ever meet!

It goes like this... Amy and I had just downed our 7th or 8th mai tai at the Luau and decided that the whole thing was a little cheesy for our taste - we said to our server "what do the locals do? Because that is what we want to do." Well, we didn't expect that an hour later we would be dropped off by Joe - our driver, in a shopping center parking lot, and picked up by a group of Hawaiian guys, that for the next 7 days would continue to show us what the locals really do!

Mahalo! To all the boys! Thanks Jonathan for being the ring leader and getting everyone else rounded up for the events. As much as we tried to live your laid back lifestyle, we still have that mainland hustle in us and needed some sort of time frame - so glad that YOU understood that. We wont forget the bon fire and your singing while playing the ukulele - how much more "local" can you get?? The "Sounds of Jah" still run through our minds. ET and Kenui - I should probably let Jen and Deanna thank both of you! And who could forget Kewika, or "sexy back..." I can't remember the last time one person made us laugh so hard! (ok - Deanna could give you a run for the money with the naked tumble down the mountain and the big ass bruises everywhere). Thanks for trying to organize once Jonathan left... I know it wasn't the same but maybe a little less "wake and bake" and you would have been more successful! And to all the others that I can't remember your names.... Yellow hair kid, kid that just smiled all the time, hot guy with girlfriend.... Mahalo to you too! We would have never explored and found the cliffs without you and next time - Amy won't be the only girl to jump!

There is something about your hospitality and your lifestyle that we will never forget... and be ready because - we will be back for more!!

2007-10-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

Is that a hat, or a coaster?

2007-10-24T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today someone said something to me that really made me think... My boss, who I love, and who is leaving the company for a better opportunity, said "I will watch for you on T.V. - you know, on one of those reality shows that I never watch but hear about." Ok - now this is not a new concept... Debbie, or DSMM if you have read all of my blogs, has told me multiple times that she would like me to wear a JB Cam (you know, a camera attached to my head in some way, possibly by a hat - hopefully one of those hats that also have a space to put a beer with a straw that leads right down to my mouth) so that she could feel as though she was participating in my life and the crazy stuff that I encounter. So anyway - I started thinking about it and why not?? I have seen these shows, you know the ones that I am talking about, and let me tell you something.... These shows have nothing on my life.

I haven't got into much detail about Maui... yet, not because I have forgotten about it or put it in the back of my mind, but because I can't stop thinking about it and there are so many things that I want to write about that I can't pick just one. All I know is that if I would have had the JB Cam invented prior to going to Maui with the girls, I could just post a link here to the video and you would all see that it's true... I should have my own show! Not to mention, it would have been nice to have one of those hats to hold my beer!

...with a little help from my friends!

2007-10-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Margo and Maren.... Seems like a weird combination, I know... I am sure Em knows exactly what I am talking about, the rest of you - you could probably take a guess but I bet you will end up a bit off the mark. Let's start with Margo; thanks for giving me a little "somhun somhun" for those really down days. Lord knows I needed it! Ok - maybe not so much the night Emily and I were laying on my bed in the middle of my living / dining room (read previous blogs if you don't know this story) but there were legitimate times I was in need! In any case if it wasn't for the pick-me-up from Margo and some Malibu Rum mixed with Juicy Juice Mango (100% juice; nothing but the best) then Emily and I would not have been feeling nostalgic and surfing MySpace reading about Hog and Maren - yep, here comes the clue into Maren's piece of this puzzle - Maren just so happened to be in Oahu going to school. This particular day she had "run into" Jack Johnson at the pool and decided to post the picture. Emily and I, feeling... well, not feeling much at all, decided that we also deserved to be in paradise! Needless to say - we sent three text messages - to which all three of you replied immediately and one of you even followed up with the phone call to say "Fuck Ya!" Flights were booked that night and the rest is history. So, once again... thanks Margo and Maren!

I want my MTV...

2007-10-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's straight from cable... What happens when you take 6 strangers, put them in a house away from everything they know, add a beach, some maui waui, the locals, some alcohol.... Ok, A LOT of alcohol, and what do you get? Yep, The Real World Maui! Or as we 6 like to call it... One "effin'" good time! Stay tuned to see what happens when people stop being polite, and start being real...

What are you waiting for??

2007-10-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

I realized that it has been almost 3 months since I last wrote.... HOLY CRAP! Not that nothing has happened, it is quite opposite of that actually. I made the move to Phoenix (Tempe to be exact), I helped Skippy make the move, I have traveled for work, I have traveled for play, I have laughed, I have cried.... Most of all, I think - and think and think. Nothing changes when you think. I have decided, thanks to the best vacation ever and the BEST gf's ever, that I will no longer sit and think - I will do, and I will be!

C.R.A.Z.Y!

2007-07-19T08:54:00.001-07:00

Today is the day - finally.... As a matter of fact, the movers are moving stuff as I type. I am literally sitting in the middle of the room on my laptop while three of the nicest (and pretty easy on the eyes) boys pack up my stuff and haul it out. THIS is what moving should be like! Not all the BS that I have gone through all week! It really has been an emotional week and I am sure that it's not over yet. So - In this crazy state of mind I was just thinking about some of the things that I love and will desperately miss...

Emily - I will SO miss you and the way you call last minute and tell me you are outside my house and we are going tanning, to the Rack, Paradise Cafe or Fred Smiths. I will talk to you daily but miss your facial expressions. We need to invest in a web cam. YOU have been my rock for the last year and I do believe that you are my greatest fan (maybe my only fan actually!)

Christoball and Hoggie - My boys!

Deb - Of course I will miss you even though I never see you! The point of the matter is, I always know that I can see you if I need to, it's just that now it will be a little harder. No more tears Monkey!

I will miss the Jade Market and Rosie at the Deli. How nice is it to walk downstairs to get a DP when I really need one.

The Movie Theaters at Gateway. Even though Larry Miller can suck my back, I LOVE having the movie theater across the street from my house. No fussing with driving and parking.... ahh...

The most beautiful mountains and valley! WOW! Too bad I can't take the scenery with me and leave all the damn people (you know what I am talking about) behind.

The Church Bells at the Greek Orthodox Church. I love how they ring every hour on the hour and on Sunday they ring.... well..... when do they ring on Sunday??? I have never figured out the Sunday pattern but they are beautiful anyway.

Knowing my way around like the back of my hand. This - I may miss the most! When I say that I have lived in SLC my whole life, you need to understand that I have LIVED here. There is not one inch of this valley (and beyond) that I have not explored.

Silva - Somehow we always find a way back into each others lives. I believe that we will stay in touch to the end and I also believe that my end will come first. You have always been a little more sensible than me!

I will truly miss being able to go to the cemetery when I need you Dad. We will have a new place.... I promise to find something you like.
Margo - I know, I know... Cut the apron strings already!

And finally.... I will miss people asking me if I am a Mormon when I tell them where I live. It's actually a great conversation starter.

In the land of Zion...

2007-07-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

As I sit on my bed, which by the way is in the middle of the living room / dining room / kitchen, and look around at all of my packed up boxes and totes I realize that this may not be as easy as I thought. I know that the end of something means the beginning of something else but the beginning of something also means the end of something. You get my drift?? Moving from this city that makes me crazy and gives me a sick feeling inside will be like getting that annoying mole removed that you have had since birth. You couldn't be more happy to have it gone from your life but you will always have the memory of what was once a part of you. How bittersweet life is.

Once upon a time...

2007-06-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

Is there anyone in your life that you have known as long as you can remember knowing someone? Well that is how long I have known Deb - or Debbie Smebby Monkey McGuire, as I like to call her. She is truly what you call a "best friend". We have shared all of the important things you are supposed to share with friends. So, whether you want to or not.... you are about to take a walk down memory lane with me and DSMM (Debbie Smebby Monkey McGuire, don't make me tell you again). Here's the story...

First, Kissing each other at the usual place (for those of you who want to know, ask - those who want to keep your minds in the gutter, go ahead and keep it to yourselves). The "Red Hots". Your tape recorder and Queen! Greg Ashby and Scott Abeyta - why didn't we marry them? That fucking humping dog pugsly and the fucking worm shockers that killed Rusty - talk about dysfunction! Who knocked down the fucking door! Telling "her feet are so big" jokes. Pooling our lunch money to by a gram (yes $5 worth) of weed and one Pepsi and a bag of chips to share. Brian Griego and Timmy Miller - why didn't we marry them? DEVO!!! Teresa flying through the air like super girl and skidding to a screeching halt on the gravel. Paul Martinez - GROSS! Chipmunks talking to us - Cheap, Cheap, Cheap! Boys, Boys and more Boys (our poor mothers). Jack Daniels and you vomiting all over and me trying to tell your parents it was from fry sauce?? Westpoint Arcade. Miller light and your dad riding that damn bike. The baseball field..... ahh. Woot wooo number two (can you believe he's a pilot now?) The unveiling of the tattoo (why was I always at your house when that shit happened??) Sitting in vomit that looked somewhat like steak fajitas. Troy Staley and Richard Archuleta - Why didn't we marry them?? (Oh yeah, let's not talk about that.) Barney underwear. "Sweet Caroline" and one wedding in Duchesne that we will never forget!! Driving in the Uhaul and flashing boys, followed by dancing all night long with military men in Wyoming. Marriages, babies, divorces. Sickness and Death - I couldn't have made it through it without you. Laughing until we peed our pants - and not just once! Hiding from crazy men in my mom's house! Planning weddings that never happened (I've always been such a chicken) planning weddings that happened and ended in divorce (I should have followed my instincts). Pat O' Brian's Hurricane Mix, a little hooch and an Italian Vini-Man while laying in a bunk bed. I could go on and on and on.....

You are my soul mate and I can't imagine my life without you girl. It doesn't matter how far away life takes me, you are always in my heart. I love you Monkey!

Watch your step!

2007-06-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

Now that my time in Downtown Salt Lake City is coming to an end, I think back to all the crazy shit I have seen on the streets. I'm not talking about your typical homeless person, hookers or drunk frat boys leaving the bars, I am talking about downright crazy shit. Like tonight... Big chicken bone right on the sidewalk outside the gate to my condo. Now, I am all about a little KFC every once in a while but who eats chicken while walking down the streets of downtown and then just discard of the bone by tossing it on the ground like it's an empty sunflower shell?? Who does that? And it's not just garbage either - there are some crazy people. The other night while headed to "Fred Smith's" (long story for another blog) we saw a man... in a suit, with a bow tie and carrying a briefcase, riding a unicycle! Now that was just weird. But, the most insane thing to date was the human turd! Yes, there was a human turd on the sidewalk for months. And this turd would just get smaller and smaller as a result of the elements - not because it was kicked around or stepped on because fortunately it was right up against a building... How considerate of the person who was shitting on the sidewalks of downtown!

Mixed Signals

2007-04-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

With so many communication problems between humans and with all of the confusion in the world today, you would think that something as simple as having your car washed by an automatic car wash would not be the major source of mixed signals in your daily activity, right? Well think again..... As I pulled up and deposited my $7 for the "best wash money can buy" (this is actually what the man in the machine said to me in that crazy computer voice) I thought that in a quick 5 minutes or so I would leave with a clean car - it's just that simple. That was until I drove forward, as the light read, then stopped, as the light read, and then backed up, just like the flashing light told me to do - Damn! I must have missed the sensor pads (I only say that because that is what Emily said, three, four or five times...) So I proceeded to drive forward, stop, back up, stop, drive forward, stop, back up, stop for another 6 minutes at least. That was a minute longer than I expected to be in the car wash and it hasn't even started washing the damn car! I don't know if I was actually doing something wrong or if the automatic car wash isn't really automatic and there was some guy sitting in a booth watching me go back and forth just laughing his ass off.... I actually hope that was the case.

The Power of Prayer

2007-04-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to write this since Easter, it makes sense right...? I think people typically bless their food at Easter dinner which to me is prayer. Of course, my family was not the typical family and we DID NOT bless our food at Easter, or at Christmas or at any other holiday or just any other given day period! But this Easter my family was not around and I went with a friend to her parents house for dinner and yes, there was prayer - and lots of it! And in a way that I am just not use to.... So let me preface this by saying that I do pray - I pray a lot! However; after this visit on Easter I realized that my prayers are so damn informal! I mean, you know those T-shirts that read "Jesus is my Homeboy"? Well, that is how my prayers are... casual conversations with my Homeboy thanking him or her for all of the many blessings in my life or asking for help with the situations I put myself in... you know - prayer! Anyway - if what I learned this Easter is the correct way to pray (if there is one correct way to pray) then here are some things we all should know:

When blessing the food I always thought I should just being thankful that there was actually food in front of me to eat - OH NO! I should be thankful for the nourishment I will get from the food, I should bless the person who prepared my meal, and along those lines, I guess I should also bless the farmer who grew it, the illegal immigrant that was paid $.25 / hour to pick my food, the trucker who drove my food to my grocery store, the grocer at the grocery store who laid it out all pretty for me to pick from, the checker , the bagger - I mean, where does it stop??
You should always bless anyone and everyone you know that needs some form of blessing - whether they are ill, someone in their family is ill, if they are having financial troubles, getting married, getting divorced, having a baby, trying to have a baby, trying to get into college, getting kicked out of college.... You get my drift right? And this is not just your close family or friends, this includes EVERYONE! My suggestion, read through the local newspaper first with a yellow highlighter in hand and set it on the floor by you in case you are called on to lead prayer.
Don't forget to bless the leaders of your Church - this one is a bit hard for me because not only do I not have a church of my own, I don't know the leaders of any Church (maybe the Pope, but I don't even know who the pope is anymore - wasn't he on Hitler's side once??) Also, there is some confusion here because if anything, I would think the leaders of the church should bless me not the other way around... I mean really??? How far will my blessing get the leader of a church??
Prayers are not just for meal time and bed time and they are not private... You can and I guess should pray in groups and pray often.

So - with that being said, I am not sure that I will ever be able to correctly pray again. First; at meals - I would starve if I had to sit through one of those prayers every time I ate! I now understand why the "meal preparers" like to taste the food before sending it to the table. Second; I love to pray for my friends and family and even for those that I think need my blessings such as the men and women that keep me safe and risk their lives every day - but as far as Brother and Sister Smith down the road who are having problems with the birth of their 10th child, they should really ask the other 9 kids to pray and not count on mine. And lastly; as far as praying in public, yeah...... this is something I am just not comfortable with. I like my private, casual conversations with the divine and I have to hope that so does he or she.... I think it works, I mean - I am quite blessed!

So as I head off to bed tonight I will pray, not kneeling by the side of my bed with my arms crossed, but laying in a cozy position, one where I will be comfortable for a while as my prayers sometimes turn to ramblings. I will pray for my family, both those living and the ones that have made it to a better place. I will pray for my pets (same goes - living and beyond). I will pray for my friends that need blessings - honestly... don't be offended if you don't make my prayers every night. I will pray for the men in my life, the one I am in love with, the one that I loved at one time and the little boy who has and will always have my heart. And I will pray that something will change in this scary ass crazy world that we live in SOON so that I don't have so damn much to pray about every night!

Home is where MY heart is....

2007-03-23T22:51:00.000-07:00

I've heard it before, we all have... "Home is Where the Heart is." What exactly does it mean? I guess it is up to the interpreter because for years I thought it meant one thing, but now... I completely understand what it means and its different then I thought. How did I get to this epiphany? I felt homesick for a year, at least. All because, my heart has been absent. I realize now that home does not have to be your living quarters, place of residency or dwelling, whatever you choose to call it. I live in a place that is NOT my home. Don't get me wrong, all of my stuff is here, even Joey Bag O' Donuts (which is the one thing that makes it feel enough like home to keep me here) but it's just not home. And I'm not just talking about this condo, I'm talking this city, this state, my state of mind! Now I'm done.... I am ready to go home.

So raise your glass (if your reading my blog I'm pretty sure I know who you are and the chances of you having a drink in your hand is good) to me finally having the guts to follow my heart home. To be with the most amazing person, who has given my heart a safe place to go. To have my family with me, old and new. To sunshine, baseball games, and lazy days on the couch with the air conditioner cranked!

Dorothy was right.... "there's no place like home!" Cheers!!!

Happiness is a Peanut Butter Sandwich!

2007-03-15T06:12:00.000-07:00

I know that they say you should eat 5 small meals a day (and don't forget the exercise) to maintain your optimum weight but my nighttime hunger has turned into what could potentially be a very bad habit! For the past week now every night after dinner I get this craving for a peanut butter sandwich. Now, I could understand this if I was eating like I did when I was young and poor (ramen noodles, mac and cheese, frozen burrito - you get the picture) but I'm not! I am eating full meals consisting of meat, vegetables and a starch. So why the constant hunger? Am I going through a growth spurt? That seems completely insane since I am rounding the corner on 40 but what else could it be? I had the candy craving for a while and thanks to Dave at the Health Food Store and some carrot juice, I have that under control. I'm actually scared to think about what he might say if I go back and tell him that I don't long for sugar babies any more but I have to have a peanut butter sandwich every night. And it's not just your ordinary PBJ - it has to be creamy skippy peanut butter and welches grape jelly on a tortilla. I have almost decided that I need to step outside of myself and not try to dissect my behavior and just roll with it - I mean, aside from a few pounds (which I could stand to gain) what could be the harm?

Or I'll Huff and I'll Puff!

2007-02-22T21:28:00.000-07:00

As I sit here inside my condo I notice that something in this room is not quite right. I have spent the past 15 minutes studying the contents of the room and thanks to Mom's OCD being somewhat genetic, everything is in it's place. There is a pile of shredded cheese on the counter for JBOD, which isn't really normal, but it is "in it's place." So... no, that is not it. OMG! is my window open? And if so.... WHY? I mean, it's getting warmer but it is still 55 degrees and snow is in the forecast - that is not "open your window" kind of weather. Are all of my windows open? Three big windows, on the top floor of my building, who would have opened them?

Hold on....
I need to check closets and under beds but first find the pepper spray Jer gave me when I moved out - Shit, I threw it away at an airport. Just so you know, you can't take that crap on planes. I have Pam, you know the non stick stuff - it's olive oil flavored, nobody wants to get sprayed with that (although the health benefits from olive oil are amazing - can prevent breast cancer you know...) I have decided to walk with heavy feet because my "buck ten" doesn't make a lot of noise and whoever is here needs to know that I am big and going to kick ass! I have Pam in one hand and Joey in the other. Worse case scenario, spray the Pam in the eyes, throw the cat at the face - whoever came in here through the window or through the door to open the window will be fucked up!

Nothing - nobody is under my bed, or hiding in any of my closets, the pantry, under the couch or under the many fur furs (blankies - duh!) laying around. There was not a single person hiding in the shower.

It can only be one thing.... A paranormal experience. I have ghosts. I knew it! I hear them walking around at nights, I am a pretty light sleeper... They seem to be friendly and I don't mean in a Casper kind of way. But I am now a little pissed because, what? Did they have some kind of ghost party and open the windows? Those bitches better not have been smoking in here! I am so tempted to yell out "beetle juice, beetle juice, beetle juice" and send the little party animals back to the afterlife! As I tip toe across the room (don't know why i am being quiet now, I was stomping moments ago to let them know how big and tough I was) to close the windows I realize something.

The mother effen windows are not even open! However; the sheer curtains are moving, blowing in the wind if you will. I'm not going for the logical explanation that my sister would give me "it's really windy outside tonight Janeal and you live in a refurbished warehouse, there has to be drafts." Oh Hell No! There better be a big ass Wolfe outside looking for those three little pigs. I knew I smelled something like swine in the elevator!

Oh, don't try to bring me down....

2007-02-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes nothing in particular has to happen to make you feel like you are on top of the word. Like today. I'm home working - alone, I was supposed to have lunch with friends which fell through for multiple reasons, It's snowing (if you know anything about me you know that this is enough to make me pull out the Valium) and Joey barfed - on the rug, not on the hard wood floor which makes up 95% of the floor space (WTF?) So in all actuality, I should be feeling a little down, but I'm not. The plan to simplify my life must be working because today I am happy with an email from "that special person", sugar babies, listening to 80's music on my iPod and dancing by myself. Ahhhh........

They come and they go.....

2007-02-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder why certain people come into my life at the exact time that I need them... Is this what they call fate? Or divine intervention? Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. I actually wish that there would be more of this so called "divine intervention" in my life. Whatever it is, I wish that there was a way that was just as easy to remove people from my life. Why is it always so hard to leave a relationship (of any kind, romantic, friendship, god forbid a family member)? Sometimes I just want to move on... And I'm not talking about only "bad" relationships, some don't turn sour, they just go stale. I should be able to walk away from these without explanation, right? You would think it would be easy, but it's not. You run into someone on the street that you haven't seen for years and they say "hey, how is ol' so and so doing?" I want to say "who fucking cares?" but instead I make up some lame story about why I am not in touch with this person which usually consists of "we are both just really busy". How humiliating. Not to mention the dreaded "failed romantic relationship." This is when you just want to pack up and try out a foreign country.